It seems like the older I get, the further away I get from home.
If you were to ask me what home feels like, I’d describe trees. Trees and a little cabin, and a woodburning stove. Tea in a big mug and one or two cats. Good music. Board games and books and fresh-baked cookies. Solitude with just the right amount of company. Plenty of time to write. Plenty of time to read, or to go on long walks, or swim in the ocean or the lakes.
Or perhaps I would describe roadtrips. The constant movement of the wheels underneath me. Good, old music blasting, the windows down and the Rocky Mountains gliding by. Lunch out of the back of the trusty van in a parking lot somewhere beautiful. Camping in gorgeous locations and then waking up bright and early to pack up and go. And sitting around fires in the evenings, telling stories and laughing. Waterfalls and birds, hiking and swimming and adventuring. Always with the road ahead, the map stretched out and the summer before us.
I’d describe chaos and madness, all somehow contained within the bright yellow walls of my old school. The laughter and the constant inside jokes. How something was always happening, even when nothing really was. How the weeks seemed like lifetimes and the days like years and each was good for us. How it felt to have friends, and to know that they’d always be there for me. How the forest smelled in the rain, and how the tree needles tasted. How we scaled mountains and climbed trees, hiked across islands and swam in the ocean and no one ever told us we couldn’t. How being different was accepted and everyone was free to be themselves. How there was always someone to turn to. How it felt to belong somewhere after so long of being lost. How we had adventures every single day and we grew stronger with each one.
This is what home is for me. But right now? Right now I feel completely lost. I feel like I’m drifting. I either want to get on a plane and go explore the world, or I want to find home again. It doesn’t seem like either is an option right now and I just feel so… lost.